How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
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when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner