NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
And now we wait
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato