I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
And bowling should be called pinball
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
english majors be like furthermore
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.