I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
hmm conte-me mais
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.