ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“i miss shittin on people”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Denise please return my vape pen
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf