them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I get distracted pretty eas
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)