Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.