Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.