People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Breaking news:
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.