[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I falcon love using swear birds
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.