wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
#catsoftwitter
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
This guy gets it.