WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.