Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Did I do this right
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.