To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.