4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
You Might Also Like
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.