Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
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Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
A choir of Spring onions
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
oh my gosh!!
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance