Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
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*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them