Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Monday?
No. Next question.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Would you wear it?
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked