The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.