My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?