[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
selfie game
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I love it all
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.