If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The pen is writier than the sword.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?