If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Florida be like…
Getting married soon just need a spouse
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.