Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Uh oh…
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan