“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?