Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?