Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels