My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
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GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home