how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
You Might Also Like
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?