love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Noted.
don’t be scared
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking