I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
🤣could you imagine
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.