Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?