oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.