Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
shit just got real
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert