[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
You Might Also Like
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over