me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.