Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You Might Also Like
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade