Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
You Might Also Like
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.