I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Oops I deleted….
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Clients after you give them your rates
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Try and stop me.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]