“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
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“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
a badder mouse
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”