Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
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[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Sorry. Not sorry
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting