Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*