If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
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My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”