me, after any kind of buffet.
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.