getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.