“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
decorating my apartment