Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
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[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.