Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
You Might Also Like
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.