Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
You Might Also Like
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
OMG 🤣🤣
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
How to properly lift a body
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit