Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
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Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.